I have not written a new blog post in over nine months. When I look over my last blog post and see the title “Hope for the Heavyhearted,” I am reminded that we all have times of heavyheartedness due to many things in our lives. We have people, circumstances, sin, and other elements in life that cause us to grieve and feel the loss and disappointment we experience in this broken world. Nine months ago I had no idea of the journey God would take me on and the depths of sorrow, hurt, disappointment and loss he would bring me to.
I was due to be married in August of 2009, to a beautiful woman named Tess. Our plan was to get married, move to San Diego, and continue to minister with The Navigators on the campus at the University of California, San Diego. As many people know, this was the first and most fierce disappointment in my heart and life this year. In May of this year, Tess took a trip to see old friends from college, 10 days before I would return for the summer from San Diego to Colorado Springs. On this trip Tess experienced an extremely traumatic and life changing time and events that would alter both of our lives and hearts, challenging our relationship with each other and our God. Due to the severity of these events, our wedding was cancelled. We both were faced with grieving the loss of our plans. Many issues of the heart surfaced in this time and continue to do so as we face deep questions and seek Gods face.
Consequences of what happened include cancelling our wedding and all plans, lifting our relationship to the Lord and holding it and any future with open hands, needing to move back to Colorado this year, leaving the ministry and people I have invested in back in San Diego, having to begin a new spot in ministry and work this year, and dealing with all of the emotional and spiritual unrest of the overall situation.
As an update in this current situation, Tess and I have both been receiving counseling, support, and grace from all corners of life and relationships. I have been knocked over by Gods amazing love and his ability to make beauty out of the ashes of the heart. My heart in May became so entangled with grief, sorrow, sadness, and questioning. Today, I continue to grieve the loss of plans, I have questions of what God is doing and where he is leading, and still feel a deep sorrow over this painful situation, the sting of sin, and the overall brokenness of our world. However, as always, God has shown himself so extremely strong on my behalf. My relationship with Him continues to traverse the depths further and further as he takes my heart further into Him. I am beginning to more fully understand Gods heart for his people, his grace and forgiveness and the why this is so important and weighty, and just know Him more intimately.
God has entrusted me with this situation and is leading me on where to go and how to handle it. He has also chosen to allow other events and losses to occur during the last nine months. Sadly, this summer, my Grandma Holechek passed away on my dad’s side. The Lord took her to be with Him in paradise and brought an end to her physical pain. Then in November, my Grandpa Harrison on my mom’s side passed away a bit more unexpectedly. The Lord decided to take both of these dear and influential grandparents within a 6 month period. They are dearly loved and missed.
Another sobering event that happened this fall was the loss of a student from our UCSD ministry. A student who had been involved in the UCSD ministry for a few years and was a senior last year, unfortunately took his own life. I had the opportunity to meet him last year and he spent his first quarter of his senior year involved in the ministry, leading and serving. This has shaken some of the older students in the ministry, along with the staff team. It is hard at times to know how to feel or what to say in this situation.
Finally, as many of you know, my mom has been battling ovarian cancer for the past four and a half years. Over the last six months to a year, her cancer numbers and chemo effectiveness have been more up in the air and uncertain. The Lord has sustained her for this many years and he continues to do so, but the instability of the cancer cell numbers and the chemo therapy effectiveness have made it a very difficult trial and test the last few months for our family. We are trusting the Lord for His will to be done and praying and asking for Him to continue to sustain her and possibly heal her. Please join us in praying when the Lord brings it to mind.
Thank you for all you have done for me and my family in all seasons of life. Thank you for reading and praying for all God is doing in and through me. Thank you for journeying with me through life.
All in all, this year was a year of unexpected loss and profound joy amidst pain. The Lord is teaching me everyday what it truly means to trust Him for my daily bread. One thing He has made known to me and to all who seek Him is even in a world of brokenness and loss, Jesus is the one and great REDEEMER of each heart and life. I am learning so much about the character of Christ and His helping to fill me in the places where I feel deep loss and sadness. Nothing else will do.
